Lieberman Goes Hollywood
My campaign has become an epic struggle between good versus evil. On one side is truth, justice, and the American Way (me). On the other side is anger, hate, and a neverending desire for power (Ned Lamont and his leftyblog friends). It's just like a movie! So, I decided to come up with a cast list of the actors and actresses that would star in a feature film about my glorious battle against the forces of darkness. I've taken the liberty of using some deceased actors in the cast (this is just for fun, after all!). But if an actual Hollywood studio becomes interested in making this movie after my inevitable electoral victory, I can make a few changes. Without further ado, here is the cast of Lieberman: THE MOVIE!
Charlton Heston as Senator Joe Lieberman
Heston is known for his heroic roles, and if any one word would define me, it would be 'hero'. I'm not sure if Chuck is Jewish, but he did play Moses once, so that's good enough for me. I can just picture him in the movie: "You want to take my Senate seat away? From my cold, dead hands!"
Don Knotts as 'Nutty' Ned Lamont
When I think of the term "bug-eyed freak", I think of Don Knotts. And Ned Lamont IS a bug-eyed freak. Knotts is also a good choice because Lamont embodies Barney Fife's incompetence and supports Ralph Furley's anti-abstinence agenda.
Sally Field as Lovely Wife Hadassah Lieberman
Now I know Sally Field doesn't look much like Hadassah, but there's just something about a woman hawking pharmaceuticals that turns me on.
Chris Farley as Evil Genius Tom Swan
Swan is Lamont's campaign manager. Chris Farley was an overweight, out of control substance abuser. That's Tom Swan in a nutshell. Except Farley was funny.
Sean Smith as Campaign Manager Sean Smith
Mr. Smith is my campaign manager. I couldn't find another actor as sexy as Sean, so he's going to have to play himself.
Kathy Bates as Stalker Blogger Jane Hamsher
I was going to have Jane be played by the late Anne Ramsey (Mama Fratelli from The Goonies) but I couldn't find any good pictures of Mama. But Kathy Bates fits well, too. You just know that if she had the chance, Ms. Hamsher would lock me up in some isolated cabin, tie me to the bed, and break my legs just like the Annie Wilkes character from 'Misery' did to that writer. And sticking with the Stephen King theme, Hamsher's rabid dogs would be played by Cujo and his evil spawn.
Gilbert Gottfried as Kingpin Blogger Markos Moulitsas Zúniga
Daily Kos head honcho Marcos has a lot in common with uber-irritating comedian Gilbert Gottfried. They're both short, annoying, and have strange sounding voices. The physical resemblance is uncanny as well!
and Jim Caviezel as Commander-in-Chief George W. Bush
No explanation needed.